Ok, so he was off yesterday and I got usage alert after usage alert saying he was on the computer. He said he was sick and not feeling well (which is totally believable because we gave this crud to each other) and so he stayed in all day to rest. Getting all of the user alerts made me think....uh oh, what if he is at home just surfing for porn all day?? Is this yet another "beginning" of a new cycle? On the way home, I kept thinking of how or if I should even bring this up. Taking a risk I figured in being open and honest about everything is better than just "bottling" things up like I always have. So, I bring it up and he is cool with it and then I go into the internet filtering program and get the usage report, it's totally clean. One would think this would be good but then why all the alerts about banned sites?? After holding my breath and just being rational and logical about the whole thing I did some research...here is what I found. atdmt and yieldmanager are not actual sites, they are tracking cookies used by Yahoo and Microsoft to "track" what it is you look at and where you go so that the major advert company who runs the "engine" will put out on your computer what it is that you look at the most. Overall, I am relieved....he is clean and he was telling me the truth. I suppose the recovery is going much better than I thought after all...
However, it brings up another issue...these tracking cookie things are crazy. I wished that there were laws that would govern the internet. Of course I realize that as soon as I say that then people get all upset because they don't want their "freedom" to be taken away...but here's the thing, it's either some laws to protect some things and make things right or nothing at all and you get what you get. I suppose that's all part of taking the good with the bad when it comes to having what you want.
It's just hard to re-build trust after something like this...it's a daily thing. One day at a time I must view everything for what it is in reality but choose to see through the eyes of faith that one day in our future this won't exsist anymore. By faith and not by sight...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
just weary....
Yes, I am exactly just that right now.....weary......
Many things have just "taken it out" of me lately. As I stated previously, I am currently going through this recovery program with my fiance. I can tell that it is helping him and he has been "clean"(porn free) for almost two months now. I celebrate this victory with him, however I feel pretty bittersweet about the whole thing right now. You see, part of the whole situation that I "busted" him with was not only porn sites but personals or "dating sites" as well. He told me that these were visited because in his mind it was more innocent and proper than pornography. He told me that he never responded to any ads, just looked at the face pics. I told him that it sends the message to me that he is "looking around" and not wanting to be in this relationship with me, he swears that it was just looking however I still cannot seem to get over this issue. I bring this back up to mention this...although he has been "porn free" since the last seven weeks, he hasn't been "look free". I'm not really interested in trying to say that he can never look at anyone other than me but here's what happens....in the car, looking around at EVERYONE...at the gym, its the same, in the grocery store...just about everywhere...just looking around like he is going to miss something or someone. It just makes me wonder what in the world he is always looking around for. He says he is just a very "visual" person and it's nothing in particular he is searching for but then my mind goes back to the dating sites and just looking at their faces and I think to myself, he MUST be looking around because I simply am not enough. Even typing this stuff just feels weird, makes it seem like I am way too uptight or perhaps controlling...I'm not, it's just that for some reason my mind is making all of these "mental jumps and connections" with things that I wished it were not doing.
As stated yesterday, my problems with his porn addiction are not only totally due to just that happening. You see, my dad has been a porn addict for over 40 yrs and he still is. He is a very functioning addict and no one would ever guess the stuff that he is into....has different e-mails, different social pages, and even a whole personality that has a different name to go with his whole "meeting and greeting" thing in order to fulfill these fantasies and attractions in person. He has cheated on my mom with other women as well as men. Because I have seen first hand how a porn addiction can run and ruin a marriage through their lives then for some reason my brain makes the same automatic assumption in my case as well. It also probably doesn't help that I was sexually abused as a child and I also have lower self esteem and confidence than I should have. As mentioned earlier, I have been set up with a special counselor to help me deal with all of these issues. I am really starting to look forward to the appointment because it's time to deal with all of this junk and get it all out, however I'm not looking forward to "spilling out" all of this crap in order to get over it. I guess once you have put something away in your mind so far back so that you can just carry on in life and then you have be forced to pull it all back out then its not only uncomfortable but just down right crappy.
One of my trademark things in life has been this: running. I don't mean the actual phsyical exercise of running but the "running away" from things that are too difficult to handle. Going through this whole recovery process with him is helping me to begin to re-gain trust and honesty in our relationship but sometimes, (like today) I just feel like taking off the ring, calling off the whole relationship and being single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier just to be single and on my own for the duration rather than going thru all of this crap...its hard and many people tell me that once we "get there" it will be well worth it, perhaps it will....I hope it will be, however the pervasive thought process in my head today is just "to hell with it all". Yet another day to be lived....will see how it all pans out.
Many things have just "taken it out" of me lately. As I stated previously, I am currently going through this recovery program with my fiance. I can tell that it is helping him and he has been "clean"(porn free) for almost two months now. I celebrate this victory with him, however I feel pretty bittersweet about the whole thing right now. You see, part of the whole situation that I "busted" him with was not only porn sites but personals or "dating sites" as well. He told me that these were visited because in his mind it was more innocent and proper than pornography. He told me that he never responded to any ads, just looked at the face pics. I told him that it sends the message to me that he is "looking around" and not wanting to be in this relationship with me, he swears that it was just looking however I still cannot seem to get over this issue. I bring this back up to mention this...although he has been "porn free" since the last seven weeks, he hasn't been "look free". I'm not really interested in trying to say that he can never look at anyone other than me but here's what happens....in the car, looking around at EVERYONE...at the gym, its the same, in the grocery store...just about everywhere...just looking around like he is going to miss something or someone. It just makes me wonder what in the world he is always looking around for. He says he is just a very "visual" person and it's nothing in particular he is searching for but then my mind goes back to the dating sites and just looking at their faces and I think to myself, he MUST be looking around because I simply am not enough. Even typing this stuff just feels weird, makes it seem like I am way too uptight or perhaps controlling...I'm not, it's just that for some reason my mind is making all of these "mental jumps and connections" with things that I wished it were not doing.
As stated yesterday, my problems with his porn addiction are not only totally due to just that happening. You see, my dad has been a porn addict for over 40 yrs and he still is. He is a very functioning addict and no one would ever guess the stuff that he is into....has different e-mails, different social pages, and even a whole personality that has a different name to go with his whole "meeting and greeting" thing in order to fulfill these fantasies and attractions in person. He has cheated on my mom with other women as well as men. Because I have seen first hand how a porn addiction can run and ruin a marriage through their lives then for some reason my brain makes the same automatic assumption in my case as well. It also probably doesn't help that I was sexually abused as a child and I also have lower self esteem and confidence than I should have. As mentioned earlier, I have been set up with a special counselor to help me deal with all of these issues. I am really starting to look forward to the appointment because it's time to deal with all of this junk and get it all out, however I'm not looking forward to "spilling out" all of this crap in order to get over it. I guess once you have put something away in your mind so far back so that you can just carry on in life and then you have be forced to pull it all back out then its not only uncomfortable but just down right crappy.
One of my trademark things in life has been this: running. I don't mean the actual phsyical exercise of running but the "running away" from things that are too difficult to handle. Going through this whole recovery process with him is helping me to begin to re-gain trust and honesty in our relationship but sometimes, (like today) I just feel like taking off the ring, calling off the whole relationship and being single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier just to be single and on my own for the duration rather than going thru all of this crap...its hard and many people tell me that once we "get there" it will be well worth it, perhaps it will....I hope it will be, however the pervasive thought process in my head today is just "to hell with it all". Yet another day to be lived....will see how it all pans out.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Starting over again
For starters, I've started this blog for many personal reasons. The most important reason is because I need an outlet for which to express myself. There has been many a things happen in my life recently and I need to "get it all out."
The title of this first post is very fitting indeed. In many ways, I am starting my life all over again. I have been engaged now for two months, dating him for a year. It was only 7 weeks ago when I discovered that he had a pornography addiction. I stumbled upon it by accident, I logged into the computer and typed www. and all of a sudden, here come all of the sites. I was devastated. Prior to this event, I had felt a sort of "disconnection" in our relationship with each other and I had questioned him as to what was happening between us, or with him. Every answer I got was very general and then life just carried on. I remember asking him if he had a porn problem when it popped up as a question and I remember him telling me that he did not, and that he was not looking at it. So, long story short this discovery was pretty devastating to me.
We have been signed up with a wonderful online program for his porn addiction and it has a great outlet for spouses and significant others in order for them to be educated as well. The program is good and it is helping me but I just feel kind of "deserted" as if I have no way to "let it all out." I am personally beginning to see my own counselor for all of this mess and I'm not liking it much...it's tough. The reasons why his addiction are so hard on me are not only the lies and betrayal of the whole situation but many things in my life as well.
It's going to be a long day, I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm at work....more on life later....
The title of this first post is very fitting indeed. In many ways, I am starting my life all over again. I have been engaged now for two months, dating him for a year. It was only 7 weeks ago when I discovered that he had a pornography addiction. I stumbled upon it by accident, I logged into the computer and typed www. and all of a sudden, here come all of the sites. I was devastated. Prior to this event, I had felt a sort of "disconnection" in our relationship with each other and I had questioned him as to what was happening between us, or with him. Every answer I got was very general and then life just carried on. I remember asking him if he had a porn problem when it popped up as a question and I remember him telling me that he did not, and that he was not looking at it. So, long story short this discovery was pretty devastating to me.
We have been signed up with a wonderful online program for his porn addiction and it has a great outlet for spouses and significant others in order for them to be educated as well. The program is good and it is helping me but I just feel kind of "deserted" as if I have no way to "let it all out." I am personally beginning to see my own counselor for all of this mess and I'm not liking it much...it's tough. The reasons why his addiction are so hard on me are not only the lies and betrayal of the whole situation but many things in my life as well.
It's going to be a long day, I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm at work....more on life later....
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