just weary....

Yes, I am exactly just that right now.....weary......

Many things have just "taken it out" of me lately. As I stated previously, I am currently going through this recovery program with my fiance. I can tell that it is helping him and he has been "clean"(porn free) for almost two months now. I celebrate this victory with him, however I feel pretty bittersweet about the whole thing right now. You see, part of the whole situation that I "busted" him with was not only porn sites but personals or "dating sites" as well. He told me that these were visited because in his mind it was more innocent and proper than pornography. He told me that he never responded to any ads, just looked at the face pics. I told him that it sends the message to me that he is "looking around" and not wanting to be in this relationship with me, he swears that it was just looking however I still cannot seem to get over this issue. I bring this back up to mention this...although he has been "porn free" since the last seven weeks, he hasn't been "look free". I'm not really interested in trying to say that he can never look at anyone other than me but here's what happens....in the car, looking around at EVERYONE...at the gym, its the same, in the grocery store...just about everywhere...just looking around like he is going to miss something or someone. It just makes me wonder what in the world he is always looking around for. He says he is just a very "visual" person and it's nothing in particular he is searching for but then my mind goes back to the dating sites and just looking at their faces and I think to myself, he MUST be looking around because I simply am not enough. Even typing this stuff just feels weird, makes it seem like I am way too uptight or perhaps controlling...I'm not, it's just that for some reason my mind is making all of these "mental jumps and connections" with things that I wished it were not doing.

As stated yesterday, my problems with his porn addiction are not only totally due to just that happening. You see, my dad has been a porn addict for over 40 yrs and he still is. He is a very functioning addict and no one would ever guess the stuff that he is into....has different e-mails, different social pages, and even a whole personality that has a different name to go with his whole "meeting and greeting" thing in order to fulfill these fantasies and attractions in person. He has cheated on my mom with other women as well as men. Because I have seen first hand how a porn addiction can run and ruin a marriage through their lives then for some reason my brain makes the same automatic assumption in my case as well. It also probably doesn't help that I was sexually abused as a child and I also have lower self esteem and confidence than I should have. As mentioned earlier, I have been set up with a special counselor to help me deal with all of these issues. I am really starting to look forward to the appointment because it's time to deal with all of this junk and get it all out, however I'm not looking forward to "spilling out" all of this crap in order to get over it. I guess once you have put something away in your mind so far back so that you can just carry on in life and then you have be forced to pull it all back out then its not only uncomfortable but just down right crappy.

One of my trademark things in life has been this: running. I don't mean the actual phsyical exercise of running but the "running away" from things that are too difficult to handle. Going through this whole recovery process with him is helping me to begin to re-gain trust and honesty in our relationship but sometimes, (like today) I just feel like taking off the ring, calling off the whole relationship and being single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier just to be single and on my own for the duration rather than going thru all of this crap...its hard and many people tell me that once we "get there" it will be well worth it, perhaps it will....I hope it will be, however the pervasive thought process in my head today is just "to hell with it all". Yet another day to be lived....will see how it all pans out.